January 31, 2018
Aaaghhh!!! How long do we still have to wait for the results, PRC?! The website is just giving this red blinking line that says “now updating for the official list of passers…refresh page for the results.” It kinda gets into your nerves especially when you’ve been refreshing since noon. The website doesn’t say a specific day and time for the release but it says the results will be out on January 2018 and it’s already February tomorrow, so maybe? Why can’t PRC commit to an exact date anyway? I just want to get on with my life already! I’m such a scumbag since the last day of our exam, life feels like there’s no direction because I just don’t know where to start. I need to know first if I got through or not. Aside from being worthless, I even haven’t clean my room or fix any of my things since then. Still not in the mood going to the barbers yet, and ain’t have a plan taking a shower today because it requires too much effort.
All I do all day is eat, sleep, play Virtua Tennis 4, watch movies/YouTube videos and repeat. I’ve been trying to paint here and there just as I planned, but I’m not really feeling it. I thought I was yearning to do it for the past months but now that I have time, I realized it ain’t easy. I’m also trying to avoid conversation on social media with friends and officemates. I know these people are just concerned and I’m grateful for them but I just don’t have the energy to express myself yet. I don’t know what face I’ll be showing them if I failed. About the office, some of us will have to go back to work tomorrow. Thankfully, I’m scheduled to be back next week Monday, because damn, I’m so not yet ready.
The two films I watched recently, while devouring a pint of ice cream all by myself, was Ladybird and Call Me By Your Name because rumor has it that they’re good. I don’t know and care about you all might think, but I really love both films with all my heart! These are my kind of shit! Saoirse Ronan, Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet, they all have a special place in my heart now.
I’m going to end this post with a soundtrack from Call Me By Your Name, not sure if you can call it that because it’s a 1982 song but whatever. I love the other soundtracks as well but most of them just makes me want to cry, so I’m choosing this one with a nostalgic, peaceful and happy vibe instead.
January 28, 2018, Sunday
Here we are. I can’t believe it’s already over and we’re now at the most dreaded time of the season – the waiting of results. Today was the last day of our Architecture Licensure Exam, and here I am in my room, tired and depressed. I missed the chomping sound of my keyboard, it kinda eases my current anxiety. It’s been a long time since I last used this because I’m stuck with my laptop and phone for the past review months. I’m now surrounded by all the review notes and post-its attached on my walls, the white polo shirt and socks I wore today, my NOA inside a plastic envelope, the bag I used, all lying around on floor, making me feel somber.
I just want to talk about this awful feeling me and most of my fellow examinees are going through right now. The morning exam on Friday was bearable for me, then came the afternoon exam which I felt 5x harder than the previous one. I felt uneasy because I wasn’t sure with most of my answers, most of them were just derived from what I know. It’s also annoying because out of all the things I studied, just around 5% of the exact and direct terms came out! Despite of it, my spirit didn’t break completely because I still had hopes that I could manage to pick it up on our next exam (which was today).
Unfortunately, it turned out to be just another tough exam! We had the whole day from 8am-6pm (tiring), yet it wasn’t enough for me to analyze and solve all the problems. We might have underestimated it. There was actually a time when I caught myself giving a laugh of disbelief on how complex one problem was, like, how the hell could I answer that? Also that moment, 1 hour left, when you realize you could fail this most important exam in your life! Horrible feeling. Then you remember all the money, time and effort you have dedicated for it. Pressure, disappointment and self-doubt among others, all coming to you like an avalanche as you try to make the most out of the time left.
Another predicament is explaining to my parents why it turned out like that, and it’s not an easy task. They usually want a concrete answer on what went wrong, and instead of pointing to anything/anyone else, I just own the burden. That’s true anyway. I just talked to papa over the phone and told him this and that, but there’s the feeling again that I did not translate everything well enough.
During my review and up to the last day of exam, I have these silly mindsets like I’m aiming to be part of the top, but I’m also scared to death that I would fail. I find that weird because that’s on the two opposite sides of spectrum. I also badly wanted this to be over immediately but at the same time, not, because I didn’t feel ready yet (I never did). But at this moment, all I wish is for me to pass the fucking board exam.
They say you could feel it deep in yourself if you’re going to pass, so I’m trying to assess my self hard if I’m really feeling it or maybe I’m just trying hard to be positive and making a fool out of myself! In the next few days, we’ll know what my fate is. Praying and hoping for the best whatever happens. Amen.